one last time!

It's 5 in the morning and I just dropped Luke off to work at the bakery.  I could go back to bed but my mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts to blog about.

Yesterday Samantha and I spent 8 hours doing math!
She is getting close to graduation but has the second of two "foundations" math classes to take online.  (Foundations meaning it is a class required by all students getting a degree from the school.  She passed the first one at the beginning of her college studies and now we are tackling the second one). Though we both agree that math is not the funnest thing in life,  I am so grateful to have the time to do it with her - another good reason for me having the summer off.  And I am just SO proud of Samantha.  She does not give up.  She does not "lose it" during stressful moments (like I do, pictured to the left).  She is such a light in my life!
So onward and upward!  I believe this is the last math class she will ever have to take in her life and boy are we going to celebrate when it is done!

spring semester, here she comes!

Well, I just dropped Samantha off at the airport.  She is going to make the rounds to visit her sisters and then start school again at BYU Idaho in the middle of the month.  As a way of cherishing our time together she and Reggie and I went down the coast last Saturday.  (We didn't go out on the water but we enjoyed the scenery.)

 And now I miss her .  But she is so excited and so that makes me excited for her too! 

Having Samantha home

Samantha's school schedule means she lives in Idaho for 3 & 1/2 months, then in California for 3 & 1/2 months, and back and forth.  If there were temp. agencies around like when I was in college she would have no problem earning some money when off track.  But as it is, it is hard to find a job for such short intervals.  But, I am happy to say that she is keeping busy and has been very eager to help.  She has taken back all of her household chores (which get divided among us when she is gone) and offers to do more.  She visits my Mom 2 days a week to help with projects.  She is taking a class online through her school.  Her positive and happy attitude is contagious wherever she goes - I am so thankful for that girl.

coveting Samantha's gift

Well, Samantha's first semester of being an on-campus student is over and she will be home in a few days.  Her adventure of moving several states away and living on her own went better than I ever imagined it could.  She managed her money well; she commuted on foot from her apartment to the school without any complaints - even in the snow; she got along well with her roommates; the list goes on and on.  I am so proud of her.

We have all missed her here at home.  I am happily ready to give up my craft room for her bedroom again.  She will be home until the middle of April and then head back to Idaho for another semester.  The only problem I foresee of her being home is that several of us have been coveting and taking advantage of her last year's Christmas present.

Last year Samantha got a big, soft, plush, queen size blanket for her bed.  She loved it.  I encouraged her to not take it back and forth to college; we bought her new bedding in Idaho which will be stored there in between semesters.  So now she's coming home to her blanket and we don't want to give it up!  It is so comfortable for sleeping under at night, or wrapping up in in front of the tv, etc.

I think it might be a new-blanket Christmas for several of us this year.

Samantha's roadtrips

This weekend Rocio and family invited Samantha on a road trip to Wyoming for the Star Valley Temple open house.  She had a great time and says the temple is beautiful, inside and out.

Last weekend she joined Hillary's brother in law and his girlfriend on a weekend trip to Salt Lake City.  I'm so happy she is taking advantage of these opportunities.  Before the snow comes that is!  I'm afraid I will be nervous if she calls and tells me she is going somewhere during winter.  Just another one of those times that I will have to let go - a little.  

The lonely ride back

I love a road trip, whether I am the driver or a passenger.  Samantha and I have been concentrating so hard these past few months getting her ready for college that she has been right next to me, "riding shotgun" on quick trips to the store and long road trips from Utah to Idaho.  She is great to have to talk to and a really great navigator.  So to leave her in Idaho and head back by myself was hard.  I knew it would be.  But I didn't anticipate how much I would miss her specifically on the drive back.  The GPS system and I developed quite a love/hate relationship.

The consolation prize of driving alone was that I listened to country music all the way back, and I stopped as often or little as I wanted.  One thing I've always wanted to do on this drive was take pictures of the lava formations/terrain.  I pulled off at a rest stop and was pleasantly surprised that it had a visitor's center and a whole walking area among the lava and sage brush.  But I'll save that info. for my "September walking" post.

So everything went well. (No more run ins with the law).  It was interesting to see how the vibe changed from Idaho to Utah - from wide open spaces to suburbs and malls.  I've realized these last few months how many friends and relations I have all along this route.  It was comforting to know that if I had broken down anywhere there were people that I knew close by that would come to my rescue.  I wish I had time to visit them all.  I was determined, however, to go and see my niece Karen and family.  They live close to Mariah and Hillary and have invited us over when I've been in town but I was not able to make it work - until this time.  I stopped at the Mighty Baker in Provo to get some treats to share. ("The Mighty Baker" is also a blog post for another day.)  And now I have a bucket list of people I am determined to visit as I make trips back and forth between Utah and Idaho these next few years.

Finally, I do want to say a word about my goodbye with Samantha.  I picked her up Saturday morning for breakfast.  We went to "Frontier Pie's" in Rexburg.  This is my kind of place.  I thought the food was great but I also loved the pioneer decor and atmosphere.  Each booth was a tribute to all the different little towns in that area.

When I dropped her back at her apartment I was of course sobbing.  All these years - 20 years of everything.  Her life was passing before my eyes - not that I felt I was losing her, but every memory of our time together was flooding my mind - of my caring for her, through smiles and illness and procedures and assessments and schoolwork and friendships and birthdays and every good and bad thing that life had given her.  This moment is where her childhood truly ends.  I know I will always be her mom and she will always need me.  But she is now taking care of herself and making decisions for herself without me right there, looking over her shoulder.  I think this is one of the main reasons she needed to go so far away.  I need to step back now, and I don't think I could have done that if she was any closer.  There are ways she is going to grow and change that never could have happened if she hadn't gone away.  And so with all of this on my mind I cried and hugged her and watched her walk into her apartment.  And I started my road trip crying and feeling extremely blessed.

Now, who cares about pictures of Kenny Chesney - I just want to put this song on because of the lyrics and sentiment; it's one of my favorites.

Moving in

The day before "move in" day Samantha and I headed to Rexburg to get some things done at the college.  I was pleasantly surprised that things were not crowded and we got a lot done right away.  We also went by her apartment to ask some last minute questions, and they went ahead and checked her in a day early.  We decided to take advantage of the lack of crowds and got her heavy stuff into her apartment.  Then we hit a couple of Walmarts.  Wow what an experience!  We went to the one a couple of towns away because we heard that the one in town would be crazy crowded.  But after getting her completely moved in we had to go back and get some last minute things.  We chose to go to the one in town and yeah, it was more than full of college students and their families.  Black Friday shopping has nothing on "move in day" in a college town.  As we headed out the setting sun gave us a real treat.  Turns out the sun setting over the mountains is just as beautiful as the sun setting over the ocean.

By the time I left Samantha for her first night in her apartment she had already met her roommates and it looks like they have been getting along great from day one.

I guess the only negative thing that happened was my getting pulled over for speeding, in a construction zone, right outside of town.  I was very lucky to just get a warning and a talking to about how that is a particularly hazardous area for drivers, especially on such a busy traffic day as "move in day".  With the speed limit going from 80 on the main interstate to 65 on the highway into town, to 55 in a construction zone, I just wasn't paying enough attention.  Lesson learned and I was a little more aware of the changing speed limits on my way back to Utah.

nope, can't do it; let's forget the whole thing

Two days left till Samantha leaves and I am in tears.  I want to call the whole thing off!  Why are even the good things in life so hard sometimes?  Maybe the plan should be that we get into lots of fights the next couple of days, and then I won't be so emotional until the last.  I see the moment of  me walking away from her, standing in front of her dorm, but I just don't know how I am going to do it.  Well, anyway, I was watching Disney videos with Isla & Addy this morning and of course these are perfect timing.  So for Samantha: Don't let my tears scare you - in my heart I know its going to be great.

just when I thought she couldn't get any more excited!

Samantha found out a couple of days ago that she has been awarded a scholarship for the next 2 semesters of college.  This was so out of the blue I almost feel bad because i curtailed my excitement until I read the email myself - I guess reading is believing, and it is legitimate. I am so happy for this girl!  I made it a point to - after I read the email - congratulate her and celebrate with her.  I am so proud of her!

This got me reminiscing on how, when Julia was a senior in high school, I didn't think college was in the cards for our family.  I remember her wanting to pursue the possibilities and me telling her that I just didn't see how we could afford it - for her and all of her siblings.  Reggie spoke up and said that we shouldn't think that way; that there were all kinds of possibilities to pursue.  And he was right.  Our girls have all worked hard and made it happen and it has been a pleasure to sit back and watch, and be of help when possible.  I also remember Julia's excitement as her dreams started to come true. She started out at LDS Business college, which had just moved to downtown Salt Lake City.  I always remember her getting off the phone and jumping up and down because she had just found out that the girl's dorms were actually part of a Hotel.  And then she got a letter - (can you believe it, I don't think email was happening in those days) telling her that she had won a scholarship - the jumping up and down started all over again.

It's moments like this that confirm again and again "children are a poor man's wealth".  We are well aware of and grateful for our blessings in these beautiful children God has given us.

Dr. Tarnoff

Today Samantha had her routine cardiology appointment.  We had already heard the sad news that her  pediatric cardiologist died a little while ago - soon after retirement - but we enjoyed talking with her adult cardiologist about what a special man he was.  We have always loved Kaiser Permanente and doctor's like him are the reason why.  Here are some details about his life that we always want to remember:

In 1969, Dr. Harold Tarnoff joined the Kaiser Permanente Medical Group, and for the next 44 years worked as a pediatric cardiologist in San Francisco while also consulting at other Kaiser Hospitals in the Bay area - a lifelong career that he thoroughly enjoyed.  A truly gifted clinician and teacher, he taught cardiac physical examination to Kaiser residents, gave weekly cardiology lectures to Kaiser pediatricians and pediatric residents, and gave world-class care to thousands of infants and children with heart disease.  Throughout his career, he was an active member of the clinical faculty at UCSF.  As a Clinical Professor, he helped train approximately 100 future pediatric cardiologists in the technical and interpretative aspects of diagnosis cardiac catheterization and shared his extensive experience and expertise by means of clinical conference and mentorship to countless trainees and younger faculty.

It can definitely be said that his was a life well lived.  As his obituary pointed out there are thousands of people alive today because of his world-class care and expertise.  I'm sure that they, and their parents, will remember him for that as well as his comforting bed-side manner. We saw him for 17 years of Samantha's life and he always had the sweet smile that is shown in the following picture which was included on his funeral program.

On the back of the program are the lyrics from the following Gershwin tune.

Very appropriate I think.

(Thanks for everything Dr. Tarnoff)

and last of all

After accomplishing so much in college preparations Samantha and I headed back to Utah, taking our sweet time.  One of the main things I wanted from this trip was to have a good long visit with my Dad, who is buried in "Pioneer Cemetery" in Rigby Idaho.  This is the first time I've been to his grave sight since his burial in 2012.  Samantha and I each took turns having alone time so that we were free to do as much talking or get as emotional as we wanted.  It was very therapeutic.

 I thought a lot about his life - about the family that we come from.  He is buried near his parents, grandparents and a couple of siblings.  In 1933 his 16 year old sister died of tuberculosis; she was the sibling closest in age to him - they went to school together, youth activities, etc.  I can't imagine how hard it was losing her.  And then a year later his youngest sibling - the 12th child in the family - died after living only about a month.  He is buried in this same cemetery.  How interesting life can be - some are here for such a short time, some for such a long time.  Though I miss my Dad so much, knowing what sweet reunions he had on the other side kind of puts it all in perspective.  It was also interesting seeing my Mom's name on the headstone next to my Dad's, with only a birth date at this point of course.  I will never be ready to let her go, I'm afraid, but it does give me peace and a visual testament that when her time comes my Dad will be right there waiting for her.

In our family it has always been a tradition to take pictures with our families' headstones. Here are me and my siblings in this same cemetery with my grandparents, years ago:

 So the tradition will continue:

I am looking forward to having another visit with my Dad in September, and beyond, as I anticipate a lot of traveling to and from Idaho as long as Samantha is going to school there.

And in the spirit of taking our sweet time, we saw this reservoir near the Idaho/Utah border and decided to give our feet some well deserved cooling off - the end to a very peaceful day.

raspberry picking

I am such a city girl, it is probably pathetic at how excited I got when my Aunt Dorothy said she was going to do some raspberry picking before the sun set on the night that we had dinner together.  I told her that if she needed any help Samantha and I would love to do some raspberry picking.  So we, along with my cousins, headed over to the farm.

After about 45 minutes of hard work our buckets were full, and then my aunt combined them all and said I should take them home.  I hadn't expected this, and felt bad for about 1 minute, but then took her up on her offer.  She said they were still going to have more raspberries than they knew what to do with as more were ripening every day.  So I took them back to Utah and we all ate about half of them the rest of the week.  And yes, I packaged up the rest and brought them home in my carry on!  We ate more at home and for the first time in my life (that I remember) I made jam.  We used that on our toast, etc. but also made some shortbread/raspberry bars and chocolate/raspberry cake. Those berries did not go to waste!

Welcome to Idaho!

After our weekend of pioneer activities Samantha and I hit the open road, Idaho bound.

Samantha's college is a 3 to 4 hour car ride from the closest major airport (Salt Lake City).  So I am a little nervous for her to be so far away from all of us.  But I have a cousin that we stayed with that I know will take good car of her; and while on our trip we got some great news that some more of our  family is moving to Idaho this summer.  This is giving me great peace of mind, and confirming even more so that this is the right time and right place for Samantha.  We were able to tour the college, her dorm, the town, etc. and get a head start on her being organized and ready for classes in September.

Our campus tour took us walking all over the place in 102 degree weather.
The campus is always being expanded - new buildings, parking and housing
being built for the thousands more students they project to come
in the next few years.
It is a beautiful campus - my favorite place being the gardens pictured above.

       We are home now and doing a lot of finishing touches in packing, etc.  Only 4 weeks to go!

"probably"

Well, she's been accepted as an "on campus" student, been assigned her "tract", registered for classes and applied for a housing contract.  Yet I am still saying that she is "probably" going away to school this fall.  I still can't make myself say this is "for sure" happening.  I guess I am in denial.  I want her to have this experience.  And the excitement on her face is so priceless - Samantha just loves life and new opportunities.  So we are forging ahead.  There is still so much to do and figure out.  Life changes are exhausting!  But yes, very exciting!

#48 - Samantha

It's almost 4 am, so I am a few hours late with this post - darn!  Lately, every few weeks it seems, I crash and burn on the couch, thinking I am just going to take a quick break, and I wake up several hours later.  I had been thinking all day about how to put into words my love for Samantha and now I just need to do it.

In looking back, when the other girls graduated high school, without realizing it I think I had the "throw them in the swimming pool and they will learn how to swim" approach to their going away to college.  They did fine, and did "learn how to swim".  But with Samantha I am not willing to do that.  She so desperately wants to go, but I am determined for her to go prepared.  Another analogy might be that I keep opening the oven, checking to see if it's time to take the dish out, and deciding that it is almost but not quite ready.  So she is still here, which I feel good about.  Someday she will go, but not quite yet.  I think that in mothering her I try extra hard to pay attention to "mother's intuition" or in a more spiritual sense, to the spirit - in a partnership with Reggie, of course.  I hope and pray we can continue to do that - she is on loan to us, so to speak, from our Heavenly parents - as are all of our children, and I want to do right by her.

Samantha is happy; she has such enthusiasm for life.  Samantha is brave - we all take strength in watching how she faces challenges.  Samantha is verbal; her ability to keep the conversation going is priceless and I love it!  Samantha is thoughtful, always asking how my day is going.  Samantha is a good friend.  Samantha is a spiritual giant and is always picked first for teams for things like scripture trivia, etc.   Samantha has a good memory, which helps her in schooling, etc., but also helps her in life: she has the gift of remembering and dwelling on the best moments and memories.

Saying that I - or we - love Samantha is an understatement.  But again, love is such a small word for such big feelings and it will have to do.

Samantha's Turn

It's Samantha's turn for a trip - her school ended in late July and it looks like she will be starting some more online classes soon - so when she heard that her cousins and aunt were taking a road trip back to Utah she wanted to go.  She's been having fun with family, and getting a little taste of college life with friends.  Hopefully she'll be an out of town, on campus student as well someday, in the near future.  In the mean time, I am missing her, just for these few days she's been gone.  So here is a "what I like about you" post regarding Samantha:

1.  She helps around the house - you never really appreciate how much someone does until they go away for a few days.  In between classes Samantha does a lot of little jobs that add up to a lot of help.  I appreciate that more than ever.

2.  Samantha is good with kids - and getting more experience all the time.  Besides being a wonderful aunt she is now working in the nursery at church every Sunday.  She is thinking of taking some child development classes which it think will be wonderful.

3.  She can keep the conversation going - have you ever experienced an awkward silence, trying to figure out something interesting to talk about?  Well Samantha is a great one to have around - there is no awkward silence with her.

4.  She takes pleasure in simple things - I think Samantha is like me in this fact - and I think there is no shame in it - she still likes old, family t.v. shows and children's novels.  Some of the best books out there are children's novels.

5.  She is a really good writer.  Some of the papers she wrote this last semester were very impressive.

So travel home safely Samantha.  It's just not the same around here without you.

Samantha's 10th day of Thanksgiving

Ah Thanksgiving my second favorite holiday! :) So what I am grateful for this year? Well if I’m being honest, I am grateful for the fact that when my mom was pregnant with me I was supposed to be born December 18, 1995. But...I decided to myself while in that womb “Hey why come out now, when I can come out the day after Christmas?” So it began another week and one day inside darkness! I’ll admit I do feel bad for giving my mom those eight extra days especially on Christmas Eve and Christmas itself, so I guess you can say I feel a tad bit guilty of putting her through all that pain and discomfort but hey let’s be honest that was the best first decision I ever made and hey it was pretty much amazing! But being able to be born after my family’s favorite holiday and also one of the best ones in the world is wonderful! My life has been full of excitement and fun so far but there have been also really quite a few ups and downs but that’s how life is. So this year I am grateful for my day of birth! Nuff said! #thanksgiving #christmasbaby #decembertwentysix #1995

even Taylor Swift could not ruin this epic moment!

Today Samantha got her braces off!  She was so happy, smiling from ear to ear all day long - even when the orthodontist office had Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off" song playing.  If you know Samantha you know that she hates Taylor Swift and insists on turning her off the moment her music comes on.  But she was a captive audience this time, and it didn't even ruin her day.  After the appointment we went to Target and bought all the crunchy snacks she's been missing all these years.  She insists on waiting for Reggie to get home, so tomorrow will be her celebration.  CONGRATULATIONS SAMANTHA!

the big bad wolf must have had a healthy heart

Today was Samantha's first visit to the adult cardiology department.  In August she graduated from pediatric cardiology.  At first we were told the same thing - that all was well, and that actually she now only needed to be seen every 8 to 10 years.  But then we got a call back saying that at closer look the doctor noticed something abnormal in her echogram.  He consulted with the adult cardiologist and she agreed that Samantha should have an MRI and another consultation, which they scheduled for today.

The results are on a "is the glass half empty or half full?" kind of basis.  Reggie is helping me see that the glass is half full - that we got great news today.  She does not need to have anything done right now, and there is still a good chance that she will never have to have anything else done, ever.  But there is some leakage of blood going back through her valve which was not happening before or was happening in the last 18 years but has recently gotten worse.  It is still in the mild/moderate category and will hopefully stay that way.  They are going to see her every 2 years from now on just to be sure; we don't have to worry about signs or symptoms of deterioration because the doctor said they will be able to catch things long before they become a problem.

Now here is the part that scares me/that caught me off guard - we were always told that if she did need a new valve it could be done through another catheter procedure.  Turns out that is not accurate - that it would need to be done through open heart surgery.  The doctor explained that Samantha and her age group are Pioneers in the area of catheter procedures to fix pulmonary valves; that they had just started doing this a few years before she was born.  And so now they are seeing how the valves are holding up in these young adults.
So again, Reggie is reminding me that we walked out of there with great news - that she does not need surgery now and if the valve has to be replaced in the future, technology might have caught up with us and maybe it could be a catheter procedure by then.

Another positive way to look at things is that Samantha has a new friend.  This cardiologist is so wonderful.  She said that most likely things will be fine each appointment and they will just shoot the breeze - catch up with how Samantha's career is going, how her kids are, etc. etc.( - if Samantha chooses to be a Mom someday the cardiologist will watch over her with that too.)  She said that she will be seeing Samantha until she is 80 years old! and then she (the doctor) remembered that that would make her way over a hundred, so eventually Samantha will graduate to another doctor in her elderly years.  But it certainly gave us a positive outlook: that Samantha will live to a ripe old age no matter what the future holds in regards to her heart.

So, I can't say I didn't go into my room this afternoon to shed some tears, away from Samantha because I don't want her to be afraid.  Of course she will be reading this blog post in a few minutes so maybe I shouldn't admit that.  I guess it's okay for her to know that Moms get scared but eventually come to know that everything will be okay.  And at least in our family Dad is the rock and keeps us all optimistic.  It did make me smile to see how happy Samantha was when Reggie got off work in time to come to these appointments.  He always makes things feel safe and just better.

And finally, about the big bad wolf.  Another good thing about this appointment is that the doctor talked to Samantha about heart health, in general.  I have been scared to have Samantha do much exercising, until after this appointment.  She said that 40 minutes of aerobic, "huffing and puffing" exercise each day will be just as important for Samantha's heart as it is for everyone elses.  So lucky Samantha, I will be going back to nagging her to go on walks with us, do Just Dance with us, etc. etc.

October nights

During the first month of school I realized that I was missing Samantha, even though she still lives at home.  It's surprising how much you can keep up with each other's lives in just a daily 15 minute car ride to school and a 15 minute one home.  But I am enjoying our nightly routine - she and I are usually the last ones awake and we've been watching 1 episode a night of Bewitched.  I love that she loves these old shows. I figure she owns enough episodes to take us to Halloween, and maybe beyond.  Happy October!