finishing up August's Rocky Mountain National Park

 Only 1 hour and 45 minutes left of August.  I want to keep my goal of researching and writing about a national park each month.  Earlier in the month I started on the Rocky Mountains so now it's time to finish.

"Rocky Mountain National Park’s 415 square miles encompass and protect spectacular mountain environments. Enjoy Trail Ridge Road – which crests at over 12,000 feet including many overlooks to experience the subalpine and alpine worlds – along with over 300 miles of hiking trails, wildflowers, wildlife, starry nights, and fun times. In a world of superlatives, Rocky is on top!"

Needless to say I could spend all year on this park.  So I decided to just focus on the hiking.  There are 3 types of trails:  

        1st Trails which are corridors used for transportation, as a way of connecting one point to another.  If I understand it correctly these original trails were not necessarily made purposefully for others, but just like when someone walks across the lawn, and then someone else does too in the same exact spot, and others follow the same indentation and pretty soon you've got a trail. The "Ute Trail" in what is now Rocky Mountain National Park is an example. 

Recreation and tourism trails total 100 miles and were built and maintained by private lodge owners, local improvement associations and citizens before Rocky was a national park. Their purpose was and is to lead people to beautiful scenery, camping, and recreational activities.The trails that lead to "Fern Lake" are an example.

Lastly, Naturalistic Design trails were made by the National Park Service following specific standards once the park was official -  for safety and aesthetic reasons - like using local materials so that trails, bridges, steps, etc. would harmonize with the local environment. The East Inlet Trail is an example.

If I was to take a "Lake Hike", one of MANY in the park, I think I would choose Emerald Lake - the contrast in colors is beautiful and the description is amazing, although it might be a little out of my abilities.

"Emerald Lake is a steady climb through aspen groves and ponderosa pine. At just over a half-mile, you will reach Nymph Lake, a charming lake filled with pond lilies that bloom throughout summer. Another half-mile in, you will reach the east end of Dream Lake as well as a junction – from here Emerald Lake is about another mile with steady elevation gain.

The trail to Emerald Lake continues around the north shore of Dream Lake, traversing deeper into Tyndall Gorge. As you gain elevation you'll pass through a fairy-like pine forest with Tyndall Creek gently flowing down the gorge. Upon arrival, the jagged spires of Flattop Mountain can be seen across this iconic alpine lake."

Sprague Lake Loop Trail is also beautiful and might be more to my hiking abilities.  (I wish there was a category between "easy" and "moderate").  It is one of many trails that are wheelchair and stroller accessible, which is nice.

If I was to take a waterfall hike I think I might choose "Chasm Falls - 2.8 miles round trip.  I like how it is a little bit hidden/nestles in a, well, chasm.  I love the contrasting colors.

And finally, if I was to take a Summit hike I would go to Flatop Mountain - although I admit, they all seem in the "moderate to strenuous" category.  But wow, what a view!

Ending each day in one of the campgrounds, surrounded by fir, pine and spur trees sounds magical.  

Well, one thing the national park website did not talk about is star gazing in the Rocky Mountain National Park.  But John Denver mentioned it in his iconic song and google had many people "testifying" of it's existence with their pictures.  

Well, it's been fun learning about God's creation called the Rocky Mountains and I am grateful to all those who made it into a national park.  I hope to go someday.  But I am also grateful for the sharing of information and pictures by so many people.  And a song: (one more time!)

kicking it into high gear

 All the other "paperwork" days that I have mentioned (and how much I hate them) were only training days compared to now.  Besides being my Mom's Ruth in physically taking care of her, I also have to channel my inner-Ruth like never before in being organized in settling her affairs.  She told me what to do and we did our best when moving her over here to put her papers and files in places we could easily access when the time came.  So, wish me luck!  I can do this! Everyday will be paperwork day for a while, and hopefully I can get the bulk of it done before I start back to work in September (when my FMLA time runs out.)  (And boy is there going to be some good cookie making and Christmas projects going on every evening as my reward!) (And I couple of my siblings who have been named second in command on her paperwork have been put on notice that they may be receiving lots of phone calls from me).

I will be looking at the pictures in the last post to spur me on!

flowers for Ruth

 

She told me she wanted a picture of her and my Dad on her casket, but to then take it off before her burial.   My sisters and I agreed this was a perfect choice.  But then I couldn't find it when I was in Idaho.  My Mom had given us each a copy so I asked my brother Tom to bring it with him.  He forgot it and had to turn around and hurry back home to get it.  Sometimes there are obstacles to the most important things in life.  But if you don't give up, it can be worth it.  I just love this picture, of this picture on her casket flowers, in front of their joint gravestone.

I was blessed with the task of picking out my Mom's flowers.  It filled me with joy.  I plan on using these pictures for a special project next year, but I want to look at them now as well.

Her Last Day

It was day 15 of no eating or drinking.  It was just a few days less than that of her being unresponsive.  But she was still with us.  My Mom was still breathing - very rapidly at times, very labored at times, very faintly at times.  Hospice was surprised.  She had not yet set a record, but she was surviving longer than most under these conditions. 

We got a call in the morning saying that a nurse would be coming around 9:30 am to see her. This nurse had come once before and he was great, like all the others in fact.  We love our regular nurse, Tory, who met so many of us that she seemed like part of the family.  But when she couldn’t come others did, and we never had a bad experience.  Whenever this nurse came he referred to my Mom as “Mama”.  Like “okay Mama, we’re going to turn you to your side” and stuff like that.  For some reason we found that so endearing, caring and comforting.  One of her home health nurses called her that as well.  

So when this nurse came on the morning of Tuesday, August 10th, he observed her breathing, took her vital signs, helped to move and adjust her and tend to other things she needed.  After getting her settled my sisters, brother in law and I were standing around my Mom’s bed as the nurse talked to us about her care.  At about the same time we interrupted him, saying we couldn’t hear her breathing anymore and hadn’t seen her chest rise and fall.  He hurriedly took her vitals again and confirmed that she was gone.  It’s like she had snuck out while we were right next to her talking.

So how can something that is so expected and such a blessing - her finally being relieved of her struggles and discomfort and even pain - be so sad and so hard.  I put my face in my hands and started sobbing.  I know my sisters and brother in law were too, and then they came over to me and we had a good hug and more cries.  The nurse was very kind and gentle and reverent and respectful while he called it in.  He started on the paperwork and called the funeral home to come and get her, but only after asking if we were ready for that or if we needed more time.  We were ready.  And we still did have enough time - even though her spirit was gone - to talk to her, tell her we loved her, kiss her forehead and stroke her hair.  My sisters put her pajamas on her just because, and the men from the funeral home came.  They too were so kind and respectful, dressed in suits and asking if we needed more time.  

It was hard to watch them take her away, but I just kept reminding myself that after 9 years she was with my Dad again.  I tried thinking of what a happy time her spirit was having.  I am so grateful for that.

the babies

 This summer my mom got to meet and get to know the 3 babies in the family: 5 month old Talia, 6 month old Kaia, and 18th month old Emmy (pictured in an earlier post) who seems to remember living with her.  These babies have brought such joy in her life.  

Two weeks before she passed Hillary came to visit.  My Mom was having a really hard time and going in and out of consciousness and pain.  One thing she responded to was the baby.  Hillary brought her in and my Mom smiled.  At one point, though not able to talk much anymore, my Mom was able to convey that she wanted to see "the baby".  They both smiled at each other before my mom fell asleep again.

The last two weeks

In mid-July Hospice discussed my Mom's condition and ailments and said she was in slow decline.  They anticipated she would be with us at least several more months.  But then all of a sudden, one weekend in the end of July, my Mom woke up so much weaker in mind and body and no longer wanted to eat or barely drink.  After updating my siblings, my sisters Lynette and Marianne felt compelled to come and see her and help take care of her.  The nurse came the next day and said that my Mom had declined quite a bit and was now bed-bound , and she wondered if my Mom might have had a stroke. She taught us how to care for her in that condition.  She came again the next day and confirmed that my Mom did not have much longer to live.  She had stopped eating, was barely drinking, was unable to move by herself and could barely communicate anything except react to the pain she was in. We did everything they ordered to make her as comfortable and pain free as possible.  She slept the entire time except when we had to adjust her position.  She also went from labored breathing to faint breathing to a rattling sound, where we thought that was it, and then back to labored breathing again.  I wrote the following on day 10, and then day 13:

August 5th, 2021 

It's been 10 days now that my Mom has been in between this world and the next, so to speak.  Each day something is a little different - like her pain level, responsiveness and breathing.  

Hospice has been wonderful, keeping in contact with a phone call or visit or both every day.  We have met so many wonderful and kind nurses.  My favorite is her regular nurse, Tori.  She has seen us through so much, and met so many members of the family, she now feels like family.  But we've also met other nurses who have come when she couldn't.  Tuesday it was one nurse in the morning and one in the afternoon.  My Mom did not wake up for anything but they still spoke to her sweetly and called her "Mama" - like "Ok Mama I'm going to turn you now", or stuff like that.  I don't know why but that did my heart so much good.

Yesterday I also realized that our family and extended family - her posterity and siblings - are on high alert.  Every time one of us calls or texts someone in the family they answer or read with baited breath, thinking this must be it.  I hope my Mom knows how loved she is.  

Yesterday our nurse Tori said she is defying all expectations.  She said it is not unheard of, but rare, that someone would hold on this long (no food or water and other indications for 10 days now).  Though it doesn't change that she is in her last days or hours, each nurse has mentioned what a strong lady she is.

So. She is definitely fading away, slowly, on her own timetable.  I am determined to write and write and write about her last year and half of life, here at the house.  She will always be with us, as long as the memories don't fade.

August 8th 2021

This is so hard.  13 days.  Hospice says she is "blowing our minds!" (in regards to how long she is lasting with no food, no water, etc.).  We can see changes in her face, the coloring of her skin, and the changing in her breathing.  Hospice says she is not in pain, and they suggest we turn on music.  We realized they are saying that for our benefit more than hers, because it is just so hard. We are trusting God's time-table but it is such an emotional roller-coaster.  

Recently I remembered that the first year into my Dad's death my Mom said she felt like he was really pulling on her, trying to get her to join him in heaven.  I played the following song for her and she laughed.  Now it is giving me comfort.  If he is on a park bench in Heaven, dressed in white, patiently waiting for her, than we can patiently see her through this.

She lasted two more days and passed on the morning of August 10th, 2021.  

The post that I needed to write and re-read the most

 My Mom got almost everything she wanted:

- to never go to the doctor/hospital/ER again . Hospice took such good care of my Dad, she knew they would take good care of her and come to her.

- to die in her own bed, in her own room in her own house where family lived with her and took care of her.

- to die of natural causes and not from a fall

- to die of natural causes and not from Covid (though she had it in October 2020 it barely affected her.  She did get the vaccine in May 2021 to take every precaution not to get it again).

- to not die in winter where people would have to drive in treacherous conditions to attend her funeral.

- to be cared by her family and Hospice.  Earlier in the year she was worried and asked me "what are we going to do?" because she knew she was getting more dependent and knew I would have to be going back to work.  Our solution for the 8 weeks worked out wonderfully.  But I have been dreading the fact that summer was about over and I'd be going back for 10 months.  It was almost time to start looking into hiring a caretaker to come into the house and be with her for 8 hours a day. I never discussed it with her because I knew it was not what she wanted.  And all of a sudden she declined rapidly and we knew she only had a short time left.  

 And yet there are times that I feel regretful - worried I didn't do right by her or wasn't patient enough when caring for her this last year.  Of course she never wanted to experience the deterioration of her mind and body like she did.  But she endured it admirably.  

I told her when my Dad was passing that I would be her Ruth.  That I would take care of her as well as she took care of my Dad.  I know I did my best.  But one thing neither one of us anticipated was that she would experience some of the same emotions that he did about getting old.  There were times I had to remind her she was a fall risk and that her body wasn't going to do what she wanted, and she needed to let me help her more.  There were times I needed to remind her what the dr. said and why it was good for her. There were many times that the conversation ended in my asking her to just trust me.  And then she did. She endured admirably.

 I feel bad about times that maybe I wasn't patient enough or she could read the stress on my face.  But I was her Ruth, and even Ruth experienced stress and frustration in caring for someone she loved with all her heart.  So I will go back and read this and try not to be too hard on myself, and remember what a joy and honor it was being her Ruth.

Reggie's strength in caring for my Mom

 When my Mom moved back to the house she was walking with a cane.  As time went on her legs started getting weaker and more achey and painful.  There were times that they buckled under her or just stopped working.  Luckily she never injured herself.  But there were plenty of times that Reggie came to pick her up off the floor or move her from her chair to her bed.(sometimes with Luke or Ross' help).  One day her legs gave way when she and I were home alone so I gently guided her to the floor so that it wouldn't become a fall.  Since Reggie was not here I called the "Lift" program that Hospice has, where the paramedics will come out just to pick someone up and get them back in bed.  After they came and went my Mom said "Well, Reggie picks me up better than they did".  Reggie recalls that whenever he would pick my Mom up she would wrap her arms around him tightly.  I know she felt safe with him.  She said that he gave the best bear hugs.  I will also always remember watching my Mom sit next to Reggie with her head on his shoulder while I called Hospice to discuss other issues that had come her way.

By spring of 2021 my Mom had started using the walker, and by the summer she graduated to a wheel chair.  I think she only used it twice before she became bed bound.  The one out of 2 times she used the wheelchair I will never forget.  Reggie wheeled her into the living room and put on old Lawrence Welk videos - a favorite from her past - and sat and watched it with her.  She was smiling and singing along, and toddler Emmy joined her on her lap.  It was such a happy evening for her.

wedding rings

 When cleaning out my Mom's room my sister Lynette said that when she was taking care of her last May my Mom told her that she wanted Reggie and I to have her's and my Dad's wedding rings.  This is such an honor and has made me quite emotional - the best place for me to take these emotions is my blog.

I hope to get some nicer twine or a chain or something, but for now I put both rings on some string and they are hanging from a lamp in mine and Reggie's room.  I feel like they are a symbol and testament to the possibility and power of a never-ending marriage.  Hanging there together is a reminder that as wonderful and hard as marriage is throughout the years it is worth working your way and loving your way through.  Reggie and I are at about the half way mark of their years in marriage.  I'm looking forward to the rest.

About my Mom's ring specifically:  I remember sitting next to her in church twirling it around her finger.  Every so often she would let me hold it just until church was over.  I remember my Dad getting a little nervous about that - he didn't like seeing it off of her finger, and I think he was worried I would lose it.  I think that's fair.  But she always made sure it was back on her finger before the closing prayer.

I also had a moment of reflection during the last two weeks of my Mom's life, as she was down to just sleeping.  I looked at her hands and thought how feminine and beautiful they have always been.  She always kept her finger nails filed and polished, with that ring shining on her left hand.

baking for my Mom

July 23, 2021

 Hospice is all about comfort, and that's where my Mom is now.  The conditions she has are not curable.  As her conditions worsen Hospice ups or changes or adds new meds and care to help her.  In this spirit, besides following Hospice' instructions in administering these meds, I've realized that one thing I can do for her comfort is bake.  Hospice said she can eat anything she wants whenever she wants - whatever makes her happy.  She particularly loves bread.  I just remembered recently, when visiting her parents, that they had bread with every meal - she grew up that way.  So I am trying to bake a variety of breads (and luckily I have Luke helping in that department by bringing loaves and muffins home from his bakery job). She really loves cinnamon so sour cream coffee cake and apple muffins are a regular on the list.  

 Utensils are getting more difficult for her to use so I am trying to give her foods that she can just eat by hand, like a variety of sandwiches.  

I am coming to realize that the hobbies and skills we acquire may seem unimportant, or just for fun.  But besides being for our own good mental health, hobbies and random skills can really be used to bless others' lives.  

August 5th, 2021

Update - A couple of days after I wrote the above my Mom began to deteriorate quite a bit.  She has gone 10 days without eating or drinking now.  For a few days we were able to crush up her medicine and spoon feed it to her in applesauce.  But, ironically, the last thing she ate - the last thing she ever chewed, was the cinnamon coffee cake I made on July 23rd.  Her appetite had been decreasing but when she saw the coffee cake on her nightstand she ate it with pleasure.

Goodbye Mom

 My Mom passed away today.  I am going to have SO much to write about - for history's sake, and most especially my sake, to help heal from the loss of her.  In fact, I have been blogging about her decline for the last little while but did not post about it; it didn't seem right to while she was still alive.  But now it seems appropriate, and again, I need it. I will try to put some kind of date on the posts to indicate when I wrote them/at one point in her life.

Needless to say, I am heartbroken.  I miss her so much.  I have been missing her for the past two weeks as she has been in her bedroom mostly asleep, not able to communicate.  But now - not going back to her room to look at her or listen to her breathe is hard.  I took a nap in her bed this afternoon and cried and cried which really helped.

So, life will go on.  She taught me that.  I am so lucky to be her daughter.

One More Day

I just found this entry that I wrote months ago but never posted.  Things have changed so much.  My Mom is still with us but spending her days sleeping.  I am glad I did not waste the following day: 

At 4 in the morning I woke to use the bathroom and take some headache medicine, and was shocked that my Mom had not been up or woken me up at all through the night.  This is the first time since she moved here a year ago that that has happened.  So I stood by her to see or hear if she was still breathing.  I couldn't tell.  If she was still alive I didn't want to touch her and wake her/disturb her. So I went back to bed thinking I would check in the morning.  Of course it was impossible to sleep.  I thought about what I would do with her if this was not her last day - if we had at least on more day together, whether she was awake or not.  I decided that if I have another day with her I would sit in her room with a Shirley Temple movie on and crochet a doll blanket.  She has loved Shirley Temple movies since her childhood.

(I have been working on a doll blanket for about the last month, every time I've been "lingering" in my Mom's room; times when she was being independent but still a fall risk, and needed someone near by just in case.  Or times when we were watching some shows together.  I will tell the granddaughter who gets this doll blanket why it is so special.  And hopefully there will be enough time to make several doll blankets).

After a while I finally decided to check again.  This time I could see that she had moved, and the blankets were in a different position, and I could see the rise and fall of her chest, so I know she was still alive.  I was then able to go back to sleep.  It is now morning, and I am up and she is still asleep, and I am waiting for what feels like the right time to do this with her.

This is my favorite Shirley Temple movie

Part 2 - I implemented my plan and it went great.  She sat in her chair and I sat in her bed.  She dozed off for quite a bit of the movie, but that's alright.  I think it is important to have happy sounds in the background, especially when you are not feeling well.  This is actually a concept I have struggled with; sometimes I worry that we are too loud for her, as she of course has napped throughout the day.  But when I've asked her she either says she didn't hear the noise or it was fine.  I know for a fact there are times that she was just being nice.  But I think that most of the time she has enjoyed the happy background noise of a big family.  I remember times in my life when I was separated from the family, either sick or injured, in my bed, and I asked Reggie to leave the door open.  I wanted to hear the happy sounds of the family.  I wanted to still feel like I was a part of things.  So maybe that is what it has been for her this last year.

Since our Shirley Temple day she has been doing better.  It is always changing; one day, or hour, she can be doing great, and the next day, or hour, I am worried about losing her.  Nearing the end of life is life.

"One more chance to stay and love another day."  I am trying to trust God's timing.  Who knows why we have the number of days we do.  Who knows when my Mom's time is up.  But as the song says, each day is a chance to love another day, and will be priceless to look back on when she is gone.

Part 3 - My Mom was feeling really well on the 4th of July weekend.  She sat in the living room and watched this movie with some of the grandkids.  I was so happy to see that by the climax everyone was in the room watching with anticipation.  What a great memory.

August's National park pick

 My nephew and his family temporarily moved to Colorado a few years back for work.  His wife , Mirian, came to love Colorado so much that she really misses it since they've moved back.  Her experience, and beautiful pictures taken while there, has reminded me of a song that I have loved since my childhood in the 1970s: "Rocky Mountain High".  I hope to visit someday and for all these reasons have chosen it for my August National Park pick.  I think I'm going to spend a few posts on this.  So more to come.

The song starts out with lyrics that remind me of Mirian's experiences:

"He was born in the summer of his 27th year, coming home to a place he'd never been before".

the backyard (is this a repeat?)

I think I may have blogged about this before; oh well, it feels good to write about it brand new or again.

Tonight my sisters and I were reminiscing about the house and sharing memories about the backyard - what it looked like when we were each growing up.  One well known family story is of how Tom & Marianne were making a fort back there.  At one point she was inside and Tom was mad at her so he decided to knock it down with a golf club.  He didn't mean to whack her right on the head, but there you have it! 

Tom & Marianne back in the day

Our backyard is small, but at times in my life when I am home so much it gives me a chance to "get away' so to speak.  To step outside, sit in a camping chair for a few minutes, or take some of my jobs or projects out there is wonderful.  And the sound of little voices when the kids are visiting is priceless.

It is a nice extension of space - like last summer when 9 of us were sheltering in place at home, and Ross and Mariah set up a tent in the backyard for the kids to play in and their family etc ven sleep in some nights.  That was so ingenious in my opinion.

And in fact, one of my favorite chores these days is cleaning the basement, because again, it feels like I'm kind of getting out of the house by even just having the backyard door open and the sun, or even the foggy fresh air, coming in.